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Corn of Plenty (Part 4 of 4): A Field Guide by Dr. Midas Welby

Corns of the Air: Air-corns utilize their horns for jousting, playing tic-tac-toe, and spearing food in mid-flight. Air-corns often lurk undetected in trees, wood piles, and rain gutters. When bored, they use their horns to ring the doorbells of unsuspecting humans. When the door begins to open, the air-corn flies away.




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Corn of Plenty (Part 4 of 4): A Field Guide by Dr. Midas Welby

Corns of the Air: Air-corns utilize their horns for jousting, playing tic-tac-toe, and spearing food in mid-flight. Air-corns often lurk undetected in trees, wood piles, and rain gutters. When bored, they use their horns to ring the doorbells of unsuspecting humans. When the door begins to open, the air-corn flies away.

There are myriad types of air-corns. The common nightencorn shatters the night with its raucous screeching, taunting cats and waking sleeping babies. A second nightencorn often accompanies the first, blasting air from its nasal passages into its hollow horn. The effect is that of a trumpet with influenza – only louder. Contrary to popular belief, the nightencorn does NOT shed its horn annually, nor do any air-corns. But if the nightencorn WERE to shed its horn, it would make a splendid emergency sound signal for someone hopelessly lost in the wilderness or possibly a large urban mall.

The hummingcorn also uses its horn for sound production, to a much sweeter effect. These delightful, brightly-colored gems flit about merrily in search of flowers. Offer a capful of sugar-water in your palm, and the hummingcorn may perch on your hand. Have a camera ready! Do not, however, move, flinch, giggle at ticklish feathers, cackle, or wave your hands wildly. And do not, under any circumstances, drop the capful of sweet nectar. The soft humming will turn to an angry buzz as the avenging hummingcorn summons its army. Together, the brightly colored gems will chase and poke the hapless do-gooder.

This field guide offers just a small sampling of the biological ‘corn of plenty’ in our world. Throughout history, single-horned creatures have flown, floated, stalked, and stampeded across our Earth. Humans even named a vegetable after these creatures! We are all familiar with the ear o’corn (not to be confused with candy corn, cheesy corn casserole, plantar fasciitis, bunions, or any ailment requiring the attention of a podiatrist). Inside its protective husk lies a versatile food, jam-packed with antioxidants. It bears no resemblance whatsoever to water, land, or air-corns, but that’s okay because it tastes good.

Be on the lookout for my new book, entitled How to Catch A Corn: A Guide to Avoiding Gouging and Impalement, and What to do if it Happens. One hundred percent of the proceeds will be donated towards a charitable cause, namely funding my airfare to Myanmar. - DR. MIDAS WELBY, Visiting Contributor to Iranigami

Special Thanks to the Following Individuals: Dr. Curt Zee, Southwestern Institute of New North Wales, Doug Graves, Association for the Advancement of Natural Cacophany, Sir Tim Buck II, London Society for the Preservation of Renaissance Horn-Mending, Dr. Jean Poule, President, De-extinction, Inc., Cria Fiber Industries (CFI), Dr. Ivan Inkling, Cornonexochida Preservation Society, Dr. Hugh Mannity, Pacific Water-Corn Defense Fund, Dr. Terry Dactle, Conical Bio-Geometry Institute, Lee Vitalone, Property Recovery Specialist

NOTE FROM GWYNEACH: Dr. Welby’s series on single-horned Imaginaries has appeared in this space periodically over the past year.

Corn of Plenty copyright 2014 by Courtney Johnson.

 


Copyright © 2012, 2013, 2014 by Penelope Stowell. All rights reserved. This website is a work of fiction and does not depict any actual persons, creatures, places or events.